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I remember labor. The pain started gradually and slowly but escalated to sharp stabs in my abdomen. Menstrual cramps on steroids. The labor and delivery nurse offered an epidural. I declined, yet reserved the right to change my mind. The sharp stabs grew increasingly more intense and I begged my son’s father to find the anesthesiologist. Yet by the time he returned with news that the doctor was on his way my threshold for pain had peaked. I said “It’s okay I dont need it”. In that moment the highest level of pain I could have experience had been realized. After 45 minutes of active labor (breathing and pushing) a 9lb 5oz baby boy was born. What a beautiful sight to behold. A decidedly impressive result worthy of all the discomfort.
Labor taught me that there is a purpose for pain. It is a tool by which to measure progress. Pain is required to assess one’s stage of development. Pain compels you to appreciate a moments respite from the discomfort. It teaches that in the end the displeasure will be a mere memory replaced by beautiful reminders of one’s sacrifice.
As humans we are trained to desire only pleasure. It is our goal to seek out and live happily ever after. We often run from emotional pain. Many of using an emotional epidural to supress our thoughts and feelings. Hiding, afraid to admit that we have been wounded by the actions of another. The refusal to acknowledge emotional pain is an unnatuarl way to experience life. It is from pain that we grow stronger, wiser and braver. We learn about ourselves, testing our strength, resourcefulness, endurance, and limitations. We learn about others and the many methods they employ to hide the pain that they will bring to our lives
It is vital to our growth as spritual beings that we spend time feeling every range of emotion that an experience offers including those moments that bring us discomfort. It is imperative that we experience each uncomfortable feeling, savor it as if it were a delectable supper or orgasmic explosion. Wallow heavily in each nuanced tugged of the heart or heavy sigh. Wipe away more slowly each single tear. Feel the burn of anger, the anguish of defeat. Languish in each moment of desire and yearning. Allowing it to seep in and penetrate our being. Reach into every unpleasant emotion rest if only for a moment into each nook and cranny and decide if it is something that should be experienced once more.
When we rush past, from or through the unpleasantness of life we lose the lessons that are found in those moments and we often find ourselves duplicating a similar circmstance with different players. It is crucial that we spend time learning all we can from the opportunities that bring us displeasure. If we permit ourselves to expend the full range of emotions often present in each experience it becomes difficult to reproduce an identical reaction at another point in time. In acknowldeging the the depth breath, scope and range of a painful moment only then are we truly be free to experience the sheer bliss, satisfaction and pleasure that is often not too far behind.
I graduated with a degree in Women’s Studies from a pretty strong program. I don’t know if my degree influenced my thinking about men as much as I pursued my degree in an attempt to understand myself in relation to men. For some reason in conversations about gender I like to disclose that fact. After giving birth to two sons, I’ve developed a new level of respect for men in a way that I did not anticipate.
As funny as it may sound, I now see men as people who were once little boys not unlike my boys. My girlfriend believes my boys are God’s way of allowing me to experience the inherent difference between boys and girls which I at one point argued were naturally non existent and merely social constructs. These two boys taught me well. Boys and girls are inherently different. Men and women are different. That testosterone ain’t nothing to mess it. I must admit I now respect it greatly.
I once thought of men as insensitive creatures whose primary objective was to chase skirts and secure as many sexual conquests as time would allow. These beings were incapable of any real commitment and many had to be deceived and/ or dragged into any serious or committed relationships. My goal was always to maintain a certain distance from men so that even while I may have been in an intimate relationship I remained secretly casually aloof so as to never become fully entrenched to the extent that I could not execute a retreat.
After becoming a mother to one then two boys I intuitively knew that this was a relationship with babies, boys and someday men that I could or would never abandon. It was after giving birth and raising my two little ruffians, merchants of misfits, handsome browns and little gentlemen that I knew somewhere within that men had to be more than uncaring cassanovas.
In opening my mind to envision men as once boys I’ve learned to see men as sensitive, feeling, loving, intelligent, kind, thoughtful and caring. I’ve recently become privy to the fact that men can also love really hard and sometimes foolishly. I’ve also discovered that this love or desire will directly impact a man’s actions rendering him loyal and faithful to someone who has been dishonorable to him. I’ve come to know that men cry and mourn their losses. They mope and pine in an attempt to cope with and navigate their way through grief. Men value and desire commitment. Many want to get married sometimes rushing to the alter with a malicious and duplicitous bride. They can and do say no to sex and are successful in a conscious effort not to constantly sexualize women whom they find attractive. Men are nuturers , caring for their baby girls and boys and doing whatever is necessary to maintain a relationship with their offspring. They cook and bake and decorate. These are traits and behaviors that I once thought were exclusive to women and if exhibited by males were the exception rather than the rule.
Lately as I’ve grown older and hopefully wiser I’ve met and learned of men who possess these characteristics and I think it would be wonderful if my sons adopted some of these view points and traits. Thanks to my sons who were my first teachers on the greatness of men, I’ve acquired new level of respect for men honoring their difference, while accepting how much alike men and women truly are.
My girlfriend recently commented that she finds it funny when men who stay with women who are no good for them cite, “She’s been there for me”. Although this form of loyalty sounds admirable, upon further interrogation the devotion these men tout as evidence of their partner’s love and affection are typical acts that should occur in any normal relationship.
Your partner declaring to the world that you are the object of their affection, rubbing your back while handing you tissue to dry your tears, making you a nice meal, wishing you a wonderful day, offering hugs and kisses just because, surprising you with gifts, is to me the basic foundations of any healthy relationship. It seems to me that we (both men and women) have been experiencing such a dearth in these forms of expression that we will gladly accept mediocre treatment as proof of love and devotion.
When relationships end the individuals involve (usually those hurt) often attempt to quantify and/or measure all that they have given (tangible and intangible) and determine a way to retrieve their contributions. Judge Judy has a reputation for admonishing jilted lovers that they cannot sue their exes in court for gifts that that they receive during the course of their relationship, ie trips, jewelry, clothing and chicken dinners. Normal stuff in a relationship should be expected and reciprocated not exalted as if it’s some life changing act. People get some standards! See the post on “The Swoon Factor” for possible insight.
Keep in mind that in the pursuit of these standards you may be by yourself for quite some time. For me however, that’s okay because I like myself and I think that I am good company. Rather than join with someone for more of less, I’d rather just wait for the one with whom I can reciprocate a declaration of affection, tokens of appreciation, comfort, daily affirmation, hugs, kisses and yes a few chicken dinners. Any thing above that will just be welcomed extras. But at the very least I want someone who understands that these actions and behaviors are normal not extra ordinary and no cause to file a claim to sue for the return of chicken dinners.
After a 7 year bid in a long term relationship, several dating misadventures countless conversations with friends both male and female young and old, I’ve determined successful relationships hinge on “the swoon factor”: the feeling of being enraptured by your significant other.
It seems that in all relationships the object of your affection will one day at some point be a momentary pain in your butt, however the swoon factor will allow you to recover shortly after enduring the minor insult. The swoon factor is a genuine appreciation for that individual. It is having a great time with that person without any additional props or distractions. It is finding pleasure in each moment with that special someone. It is a holistic appreciation of that person with all of their imperfections recognizing that that their quirks and idiosyncrasies contribute to who they are as individuals.
The newness in relationships will fade and a routine will set in, but swoon will allow you to honor your partner and be pleasant when making small request such as “Will you please pick your clothes up?” . That same request with no swoon sounds like “Get your sh*t up off of the floor! I am so sick and tired of you you leaving your stuff around the house.”
We often overlook “swoon” in the name of prestigious job titles, shiny bling, hefty bank accounts , pretty faces, or prime body parts, but at the end of the day when those things fade “swoon” will persevere. I’m convinced that swoon will spur the growth of and/ or augment the appreciation of the aforementioned. It is the essential function of swoon to enhance that which we find most desirable and mitigate that which is less appealing. Swoon is sitting in your apartment with lights shut off and finding happiness and pleasure with that individual. It is genuinely liking the person.
To my mind love is the easy part, after all we love family members that we don’t necessarily like, but when you like someone, sincerely appreciate them, love is never too far behind. If you are not really sure and you need to decide what to look for in your next special someone or figure out why you are with your current special someone I would like to suggest: keep an eye out for the swoon factor. The mere presence of that individual bringing you joy, affirming your very being and thus enriching your life.
Growing up I didn’t believe in fairy tales the way most children do. By six years old I knew Santa Claus did not exit and I have no memory of ever receiving anything from the tooth fairy or easter bunny and as a result I am indifferent as to whether I should preserve or disregard these myths or fairy tales for my own children. I am all for fantasy and daydreaming, but I also encourage the acknowledgment of reality at a very early age. As a result my 7 year old now knows that we make believe Santa is real while my 5 year old is still struggling with acceptance of this concept.
I was a bit surprised when my seven year old lost his tooth and became excited in anticipation of the money he would receive from the tooth fairy. He promptly revealed the miniature trunk provided by the school nurse for transport when I picked him up from his after school program. As I tucked the boys into bed that night I reminded myself that I had to put a dollar bill under his pillow.
I awoke the following morning to a groan of disappointment, “Oh maaan! There is no money under the pillow!” I quickly realized that I forgot to exchange a dollar bill in place of the tooth. With quick DivaMom thinking I suggested perhaps the trunk prevented the tooth fairy from seeing the tooth and he should take the tooth out before bed next time.
Later that night we placed the tooth sans trunk under his pillow and guess what? The tooth fairy forgot! The seven year old was throughly disappointed exclaiming ” The tooth fairy forgot again”! I said “Well she has a lot of teeth maybe she’s busy. Let’s give her another chance”. We gave the tooth fairy a third try and she forget yet again.
After a third night of being forgetful and a third morning of hearing nearly tearful cries of disappointment, I finally confessed “Mommy is the tooth fairy, okay? I will give you money for your tooth.” The response was dead silence as both boys shot me smug looks of disbelief. Sensing their unwillingness to accept my latest revelation I followed up with, “We can pretend she’s real…okay?” Satisfied, they both nodded in agreement.
That night immediately after I was certain both boys were asleep I slipped a five dollar bill under the my oldest son’s pillow. He awoke the next morning smiling with glee, exclaiming “Five dollars! She gave me five dollars! The tooth fairy gave me five dollars!” I said “Yes she did, it was late fees.” The youngest son smiled pleased to see his brother so happy and perhaps in anticipation of when he would be awarded payment for his first tooth. I couldn’t help but to flash a huge grin myself.
I learned a very important lesson from being forgetful a grand total of three times: children don’t necessarily want to know the truth. Even if they know we are only making believe that it’s real, sometimes they prefer a good story. I also realized that I enjoyed them experiencing the fantasy. It turns out that Tooth Fairy is one of the many jobs of a DivaMom. I can do the tooth fairy but I’m not too sure about the easter bunny. But, I’ll wait to see how my boys feel about preserving that particular fantasy.
W. Reid
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