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Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t. -Erica Jong
I firmly believe that we have within ourselves all that we need to find our way within this world at any given moment in time. We often ignore “signs” which come in many form. When I speak of”signs” I am not referencing coincidences or visions or voices interpreted as a message from some divine being or spirit. I am speaking of information that is readily available about a particular topic that we willingly choose to ignore or accept as fact.
I find that when I am troubled about a particular topic and I go outside of myself soliciting the advice of others I usually already know the answer, yet I
a) Want to be convinced of otherwise
or
b) I am seeking additional support for that which I am already aware
In searching for multiple opinions I am engaged in a campaign to foster delusion or secure affirmation and sometimes both. Polling, gathering data, soliciting conjecture and painstakingly repeating scenarios and nuances that I think may shape or improve the listening party’s comprehension serve only to aid in delaying a decision and ultimately any action on my part.
In order to avoid narrow mindedness and myopia, I consult one or two confidants but for the most part I talk to me. I’ve learned that if I am troubled by a particular issue I simply have to take a moment and answer a simple question, within my response a solution is always evident. That question is: “Who or what do you wish to be in relationship to” that particular issue? That simple question forces me to immediately reflect upon myself in relation to the topic at hand. If I find that what I wish to be is no where near my current state then I immediately know changes to achieve the desired end result must take place in many cases specific steps are made more evident.
Afterall, I am the only one who truly knows who or what I wish to be to a particular person, place or thing at given moment. For now, rather than campaigning for the opinions and points of view of others I’ve come to learn that for the final verdict on any topic it is always best to ask and listen to me. Taking that approach saves me a lot of time and aggravation and thus far it has served me well because in most cases I already know the answer.
I would describe my life as a DivaMom as a bonafide adventure, however there are times when I feel that my DivaMom Adventure Quotient (DAQ) is particularly high. One of those moments was when I took three children under the age of 7 (my sons and niece) on a road trip from Northern New Jersey to Ontario, Canada. It took us about 11 hours, but we had several fried chicken wing breaks along the way and a stop at Niagra Falls. My youngest had to pee in a water bottle because we were stuck in traffic on the Rainbow Bridge and he had “to go really bad”. LOL! I thought furnishing the water bottle was a moment of DivaMom-Genius. After that my oldest “suddenly” had “to go really bad.” I made him wait for a legitimate toilet and he was fine.
My first get away for spring break was when I was a Junior in college. My sister who went to a promiment prepatory high school in New England said her peers were going away for spring break at 15 years old. My sons who are 5 and 7 recently had their first spring break getaway. I felt really accomplished in that I was able to provide this opportunity for my boys. Although it wasn’t their first time on a airplane it was our first time flying together and their first trip to Florida. We also saw the movie Monsters vs. Aliens at a drive-in, a first for the three of us. Sometimes, the adventures of this DivaMom are present in the adventures I create for my children and for me that is one of the best parts of DivaMommying.
I am dating Mr. Perfect. He is so fine. Each time I look at him I am amazed that he has chosen me to be his mate. His full lips part into a warm smile revealing beautiful pearly whites. He’s tall enough for me to wear my 3 inch heels and still find myself 1 inch shorter. He’s in great shape and when he wears his athletic T-shirts those toned arms and chiseled chest beckon me for a caress. I love his scent not his colonge but his natural smell without any artificial fragrance.
We NEVER argue about anything. We merely have disagreements and even those rare moments end with a declaration that we will “agree to disagree”. We have very open, honest and direct communication. While we dont always share a simlar point of view he respects my opinions right to one. In fact our relationship can be describe as a circle of reciprocity.
This man makes homeade chicken soup that he spoon feeds when I am not feeling well. He is bright and well read, never is he without witty conversation or interesting information on a topic of interest. I can take to him to events that require a tuexdo or chill around the way in sneakers and shorts. He fits in where ever we are, always with appropriate conversation to match.
My friends and family adore him, they see how he treats me and thinks he’s a wonderful man. He loves my sons often joking that that he could be their father. This only makes me smile. His mother loves me; she believes that I am an improvement over his past relationship. She thinks we are great together.
He’s a professsional with a great job and and second gig on the side as he believes in generating multiple revenue streams. I love his hustle. He plans dates and getaways making all necessary arrangments and all I have to do is show up. My man is remarkable support offering only kind words and a healthy critique. He has proven him self a faithful, loyal and commited friend in every sense often coming to my rescue time and time again. He is remarkably thoughtful repeatedly going above and beyond to ensure my satisfaction. He expresses almost daily how much he appreciates me and that he is thankful for my presence in his life. Never once has he disappointed me.
My baby picks up a broom, washes dishes and makes wonderful meals not because I ask but because he sees that it needs to be done. When his friends tease him that is he is pu$$y -whipped he replies “Maybe I am, so what? I’m happy! I AM HAPPY!”. He has no issues with me having my friends while he has his and he is all in favor of my “Ladies Nights’ with my girls. He is fully aware that other men find me visually appealing and views their advances as a compliment to him and his sense of taste. My honey plans for ahead and makes it clear that I am a part of his future. He respects me and I respect him. We are nice to each other just because we care for each other. I proud to call him my partner. Isn’t he perfect?
Then I woke up. Ladies and gentlemen, the ideal mate or partner is in our heads and respective imaginations. They say we have to give and take it’s really only a matter of deciding what you are willling to give and what you are willing to take. My description is an interpretation of what I want ideally but I know somwhere within “Mr. Right For Me” may not be Mr. Perfect. The beauty of having Mr. Perfect is that I can always visit him in my mind even after I do find “Mr. Right For Me”. What are 5 key attributes of your Mr. or Ms PERFECT?
I have a quote in my office that reads “Think of the times when you have been totally honest with yourself and remember how calm you felt.” I love this quote because it reminds me to be true to me. It reminds me that it is indeed permissible to possess and express the full range of my emotions. I think a lot of people lie to themselves. We lie because the truth would force us to question most of what we think we know and what we want. And who wants to do that?
The lies help us stay in line. They keep us wanting and needing things are not to our benefit. Lies keep us from pursuing our true passions. We trick ourselves into thinking that we will fail and thus to even attempt a difficult or challenging task is futile. We continue to slave at a job we hate so that we keep up appearances for our peers and neighbors who more than likely also hate having to keep up with us. Untruths prevent us from leaving relationships that are unhealthy. They prevent us from viewing ill treatment as abusive. We convince ourselves that this incredible overwhelming feeling is passion or love or concern rather than the highest expression of dysfunction. We continue to indulge in harmful actions failing to acknowledge more of the same will only bring us additional pain. I am convinced the only way to personal freedom is unadulterated honesty.
Let’s face we can’t escape the external forces that act up us shaping and molding our choices, decisions and feelings. Parents, society, popular culture, peers, colleagues and clients all play a role in determining our perspective in the world. We usually act based other people’s notions of appropriate conduct and we trick ourselves in to thinking that our behaviors are born purely of our own thinking. For many of us there is no such thing as an independent thought as our opinions are not our own but a culmination of the viewpoints of various players.
How do we distinguish our own opinions from those that we have been taught or influenced by others? My recommendation is tuning inward. Look at the world from your perspective rather than examining yourself from the perspective of the world. Ask you what brings you true joy, peace, success? Our feelings are our greatest connection to ourselves. It is how we feel about a particular event, person, action or place that is our unique barometer of asses ment. It is a gague that is specific to each person possessed by no other human being. Some may laugh at such an approach as we are encouraged to be logical, to think, yet thinking often removes us from our true selves and true instinct to respond.
I am not suggesting that we act on every feeling, but I highly recommended that in the pursuit of unadulterated honesty we acknowledge each and every feeling. Honor yourself by honoring your feelings. Cast no judgement as to whether your feeling is right or wrong but observe the the range of emotion that is evoked based on a particular thought, person, event or action. Spend some time with how something or someone made you feel. You should fully disclose to yourself your pleasures, fears, dissappointments and desires. It is a conversation you will have with only yourself, but I think it will make all the difference in how you relate to yourself and others around you.
Listen particularly to the quiet voices that tells you when something is wrong or simply does not feel right. In living with unadulterated honesty you form a great relationship with your spirit that guides your words, thoughts and deeds resulting in an unprecedented freedom.
W. Reid
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