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Is this really Necessary? Courtesy Detroit Free Press
I am all for people expressing themselves with fashion. I think I am one of the few people I know who believe that it’s cool for men to wear skinny jeans. However, I am really not happy about the drawers or underwear showing. Since when did it become fashionable for people to show their undergarments? My girlfriend commented that she’s going to let her slip hang low and see if that that catches on, while we had a good laugh, I fear it may be the next fashion tragedy. For a minute it was sexy for women to let their thongs peep from the top of their low rise jeans, now bra straps whether or not they match the top are en vogue and men both young and old simply will not abandon the fashion faux pas which some say began in prision of sagging their pants. This stuff isn’t cool, or sexy it is just indicative of people who either don’t know or simply don’t care that the whole world shouldn’t see your under wear. It’s called under wear for a reason, it should be worn under something. C’mon get it together: find an appropriate bra and pull up your doggone pants!
A colleague with three boys who are now men in their twenties recommended that I spend a “Special Day” with each of my boys the way she did with her sons. A special day is one on one time with each boy where you can do any activity that is of interest. She suggested I take the youngest first and just hang out, so I did.
I had two great days with each boy. My 6 year old and I went to the mall where I saw distressed acid wash jeans on sale and shouted : “Look these are on sale!” He responded “Don’t buy those they have holes in them and they are all spotted.” We then had lunch, watched a movie and hung out at the park.
For my second Special Day with my oldest we went to Chuck E Cheese , bowl, lunch and then the park. During lunch I said to my 8 year old, “You are so handsome.” He responded “I know”. I inquired, “How do you know.” He replied “I look in the mirror.”
One on one time was great with each boy I don’t know who had more fun them or me. The great lesson that was confirmed isn’t how important it is to give each boy one on one time, it’s that I don’t have a favorite, they both get on my nerves equally. Special Days were pretty cool; it was wonderfully refreshing to be evenly matched rather than having to manage the personalities of the testosterone tag team. We will definitely do it again.
The title of the post is a text I received from a man who failed to respond to a text I sent to him for three days. I was amazed that he had the audacity to identify me as a “typical black woman and then define that category as “so sad”. I know we have a PR issue, becasuse the stereo type of the Angry Black Woman is running rampant as the poster child for how all black women act, but ladies and gentlemen ALL black women are not angry. Men, if you find your self constantly running into the sad, typical black woman maybe the problem is you.
Some men in my opinion believe if they have a “good job” (whatever that is), are nice and don’t have any intention of running around on you, that somehow makes them the cat’s meow. You should be happy to make their acquaintance because they are employed, aren’t on drugs, gay or two timing you, you have hit the jackpot! I’ve even had someone tell me that there is a shortage of men so an affair with a married man is a good idea until my Mr. Right comes along. I know times are hard, but I’d rather be by myself than to accept that having a man for the sake of having a man is the optimum investment of my time, energy and all of the talents that I possess.
In case you are wondering my response to that text was “Maybe you should focus on dating when you get your finances in order & some manners. If not contacting you after u left me hanging makes me typical then so be it.” My initial impulse was to delete, but I’m a woman and I couldn’t resist the last word. Is it me, am I really that picky or have our standards in how we treat each other during dating or courtship eroded drastically?
” Any fool can criticize condemn and complain-and most folks do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving”.
Many of you may recognize this quote from the text “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie, a classic that is over 70 years old, but one that I begun to read for the very first time this past weekend. Carnegie forewarns, “you will probably find it difficult to apply these suggestions all the time. I know because I wrote the book, and yet frequently I found it difficult to apply everything I advocate.”. His first principle is “Don’t criticize, condemn or complain”. Yikes, this is so difficult for me and this is only the first principle. He encourages the reader to do as Ben Franklin stated, “[s]peak ill of no man and speak all the good [you] know of everybody.” Chapter 1 focuses on how criticizing people only causes them to defend their actions and it encourages us to be understanding and try to see things from their point of view. EVERYONE with whom we wish to have a working relationship is worthy of this perspective: partners, lovers, spouses co workers, managers/bosses, children, exes, family members, customer service representatives and the like.
Thus far this book has revealed to me the how much I have spent emphasizing what I do not like about others and it has exposed the challenge I have of focusing on what I do like about them. Challenge is an understatement. There are some people I would rather not think about at all because I can’t find any good in them, yet I know that this not their failure but mine and I am the fool. So what’s a DivaMom to do, some more work internally because someone once said to me “That which you find fault in others take care to correct in your self.” So ultimately my inability to find the good in another person is less about them and more about be. I want to be a person of good character and understanding not the fool who criticizes, condemns and complains. I am going to keep reading and let you know if I gather any additional tips or insight, but in the meantime, who has read the book and what are your thoughts?
I’ve never been the girl to day dream about getting married. In fact any thought of marriage conjured within me a great dread and the image of a cell door slamming shut. Yikes! But I’ve done the shacking thing which my girl says was a “marriage situation” without the paper work. What I liked the most about shacking was the ability to leave when I felt like it, which is ultimately what I did. What I dreaded about marriage was the inability to leave when I felt like it; because even if you leave you are not out without some additional paperwork.
Alas, I’ve learned to see the beauty in that arrangement. I’ve since decide that an official marriage would be a great thing for specifically the reason I once feared. Another friend deemed my aversion to marriage a result of my fierce sense of independence. Pretty much, I don’t like or want anyone telling me sh*t. In this life we all need someone, too much indepence will find you always independent and that usually means alone ( I like company, other wise I have no one to eat my cooking). I’ve learned it’s best to partner with those whom we have similar values and goals. My shacking was a trial run, this time when I go official I’ll make sure my partner and I are on the same page when it comes to these crucial areas. Now that I’ve declared to the universe that I am ready for wedded bliss, where the heck do I find a husband?
The moment my parents told me that they wanted to take my boys to Jamaica for summer vacation I began to fantasize about all that I would do with my time off. I’ve been apart from the duo for several days and other than staying late at work and having a drink with a friend my routine hasn’t changed much. In my mind I would be partying and hanging out late at night, but in reality I’ve spent most of my time alone, resting. There are several perks to my brief return to the life of a bachelorette: I leave my clothes on the floor and the only cooking I’ve done involved boiling water for tea. At the moment I feel incredibly rested and the black circles the aesthetician pointed out during my facial seemed to have disappeared. My boys will be home soon, and I’ll spend my last few days of freedom picking up my clothes and preparing a welcome home dinner (something Americana and easy).
The bachelorette pad was great but honestly with those two gone, something is missing as much work as they require I kind of miss my guys. Maybe I’m just old or a mom but I’ve enjoyed my time to myself, staying in, doing nothing, further affirming that I am indeed great company even if I leave my clothes on the floor and only boil water.
The Knight
One of the things that constantly amaze me about my sons is their imagination. Some times I wonder why I even purchase toys because these two can make a toy from anything. I was a photographer at recent photo shoot featuring my sons who showcased the flexibility of a pair of underwear (Yes ,they are good for other things besides wearing and throwing them at the R & B singer Maxwell, see The Panty Toss ).
Please note I was harrassed into taking the photographs and I did inform the duo that these photos would be included on my blog. This is one of those instances where a picture is worth a thousand words:
The Monster
The "Bad Guy"
I went to a meeting a few weeks back and the speaker mentioned something along the lines of “I am not telling you anything that you don’t already know”, and I found my self nodding in agreement. He was absolutely correct his message was not new, but it was a reminder of a lesson I learned sometime ago. I find that to be the case with nuggets of wisdom they are indeed ancient but crucial in rejuvenating our souls and focusing our minds. It is essential for the survival of our spirit to be reminded of bits of information crafted throughout the ages to reinvigorate the soul and thus provide bursts of inspiration and energy to forge on particularly when the out come appears bleak.
An old friend of mine reminded me of the importance of perspective today. He wrote, “It’s amazing how a change in circumstances makes you look at something differently the second time around” and I had to agree with this jewel of ancient truth. Perspective and perception is essential in navigating reality. It is our ability to shift or reposition our point of view that enables the development of new approaches in addressing a dilemma or expressing gratitude for an existing blessing. Whether a thing is a blessing or a curse is a matter of viewpoint. Sometimes this shift is brought on by a change in circumstance and other times your circumstance my be altered by a shift in conciousness. No matter the situation it can always get worse, so my perspective and position in all things is to always give thanks for what is going right. Focus not on where you are but where you wish to be and in that moment your circumstance will begin to shift to suit your desired outcome, even if it is only in the instant. Sometimes to get through really tough challenges all we need is a glimpse of life the way we wish for it to be and that can only be manifested if we dare to spend a moment to ponder a change in circumstance.
It seems that men who are powerful and high profile are not immune from the woman centered drama that often plague average Joes. Men from Tiger Woods, to Bill Clinton to Jimmy Swaggert have seen their reputation irrevocably tarnished and careers destroyed by the company of the women they choose to keep. In fact I would argue they are magnets for opportunistic gold diggers who mean them more harm than good. Part of the issue is that while these types of women exist, men give very little thought to the kinds of women that they select to keep in their company. In fact men in my opinion often choose partners for a night or for a lifetime based on the appearance of a woman and her willingness to engage in unbrideled sexual practices ( I am a woman what do I know).
I often have conversations with my sister about the power of DNA testing in it’s ability to free some men from parentatl responsibility and simulteaneously hold others accountable. During these talks we expound upon how men would be far more selective in choosing their partners if they viewed everyone as the potential mother for their children. (Somehow I think we resent the sexual freedom men are permitted in our patriarchal society). Then I think of my sons, what lessons shall I impart to them on dealing with women? Should I tell them that every woman with whom they have sexual relations can be the potential mother of their children? I am very clear that I dont want any Chicken Heads to mother my grand babies but how do I impart this message to two boys 8 and 6 and years old? One of my challenges in Divamommying is to be the woman I want my sons to bring home to me one day. I sincerely hope that the way I live my life can serve to provide an example of a woman of good character and ultimately great company.
W. Reid
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