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Boomerang courtesy of aero.iitb.ac.in
My girlfriend and I both received correspondence from former beaus who essentially regretted the break up and in hindsight would have made us their wives (LOL). She attributed this to them growing older experiencing a taste of the world and sampling the abundance of women available only to discover that they let a good thing go. I could not agree more.
In my experience both lived and hearsay, I find that to be the case. If you are indeed good person and a good partner your ex will usually regret their departure. I say if he wants to leave let him go. Give him all the room he needs and he will use it to find his way back to you usually much more appreciative of what he let go. At which point you can decide to:
A) Marry him (as one of my cousins chose to do)
B) Thank him for the sentiment but remain friends (this one usually works for me and offers you the greatest flexibility and you can do option C on the inside).
C) Laugh in his face and say HELL to the NAW (Very juvenile while it may provide momentary satisfaction your ex may regret his boomerang behavior.)
If I were to impart any advice I would say don’t fret, let him go and leave him alone. If you were really that good, you’ll know because he’ll return for more of all that goodness.
Many single men without children have indicated that they would rather not date single mothers, citing the fact that they “will never be number one” as one of many reasons. While such men are indeed entitled to their preferences and I applaud their candor in opting to thin their dating candidate pool with such a decision, I feel compelled to address this idea of the position of a romantic partner in the context of single mother hood.
The short answer is: You are indeed correct, you will never be number one as there is no competition. My children have a place in my life and my romantic partner has another. While the boundaries my conflate and at times (hopefully rarely) conflict these two spaces are separate yet of equal importance. Similar to the brain and the heart; one is not more or less important than the other, yet both serve very important functions. Ultimately there is no contest as the well being and care of both organs are vital to a healthy, holistic and balanced lifestyle.
I find a similar parallel exists with the role of the significant other and children. Both have different roles, needs and desires that must be respectively executed and addressed yet without one or the other life just isn’t the same. The role my children play in my life is incomparable to role of my life partner and vice versa. My sons will forever be my number one sons (it’s a tie) and the man that is right for me will be my number one man and he wont ever have to compete with anyone for that top spot.
I am dating Mr. Perfect. He is so fine. Each time I look at him I am amazed that he has chosen me to be his mate. His full lips part into a warm smile revealing beautiful pearly whites. He’s tall enough for me to wear my 3 inch heels and still find myself 1 inch shorter. He’s in great shape and when he wears his athletic T-shirts those toned arms and chiseled chest beckon me for a caress. I love his scent not his colonge but his natural smell without any artificial fragrance.
We NEVER argue about anything. We merely have disagreements and even those rare moments end with a declaration that we will “agree to disagree”. We have very open, honest and direct communication. While we dont always share a simlar point of view he respects my opinions right to one. In fact our relationship can be describe as a circle of reciprocity.
This man makes homeade chicken soup that he spoon feeds when I am not feeling well. He is bright and well read, never is he without witty conversation or interesting information on a topic of interest. I can take to him to events that require a tuexdo or chill around the way in sneakers and shorts. He fits in where ever we are, always with appropriate conversation to match.
My friends and family adore him, they see how he treats me and thinks he’s a wonderful man. He loves my sons often joking that that he could be their father. This only makes me smile. His mother loves me; she believes that I am an improvement over his past relationship. She thinks we are great together.
He’s a professsional with a great job and and second gig on the side as he believes in generating multiple revenue streams. I love his hustle. He plans dates and getaways making all necessary arrangments and all I have to do is show up. My man is remarkable support offering only kind words and a healthy critique. He has proven him self a faithful, loyal and commited friend in every sense often coming to my rescue time and time again. He is remarkably thoughtful repeatedly going above and beyond to ensure my satisfaction. He expresses almost daily how much he appreciates me and that he is thankful for my presence in his life. Never once has he disappointed me.
My baby picks up a broom, washes dishes and makes wonderful meals not because I ask but because he sees that it needs to be done. When his friends tease him that is he is pu$$y -whipped he replies “Maybe I am, so what? I’m happy! I AM HAPPY!”. He has no issues with me having my friends while he has his and he is all in favor of my “Ladies Nights’ with my girls. He is fully aware that other men find me visually appealing and views their advances as a compliment to him and his sense of taste. My honey plans for ahead and makes it clear that I am a part of his future. He respects me and I respect him. We are nice to each other just because we care for each other. I proud to call him my partner. Isn’t he perfect?
Then I woke up. Ladies and gentlemen, the ideal mate or partner is in our heads and respective imaginations. They say we have to give and take it’s really only a matter of deciding what you are willling to give and what you are willing to take. My description is an interpretation of what I want ideally but I know somwhere within “Mr. Right For Me” may not be Mr. Perfect. The beauty of having Mr. Perfect is that I can always visit him in my mind even after I do find “Mr. Right For Me”. What are 5 key attributes of your Mr. or Ms PERFECT?
My girlfriend recently commented that she finds it funny when men who stay with women who are no good for them cite, “She’s been there for me”. Although this form of loyalty sounds admirable, upon further interrogation the devotion these men tout as evidence of their partner’s love and affection are typical acts that should occur in any normal relationship.
Your partner declaring to the world that you are the object of their affection, rubbing your back while handing you tissue to dry your tears, making you a nice meal, wishing you a wonderful day, offering hugs and kisses just because, surprising you with gifts, is to me the basic foundations of any healthy relationship. It seems to me that we (both men and women) have been experiencing such a dearth in these forms of expression that we will gladly accept mediocre treatment as proof of love and devotion.
When relationships end the individuals involve (usually those hurt) often attempt to quantify and/or measure all that they have given (tangible and intangible) and determine a way to retrieve their contributions. Judge Judy has a reputation for admonishing jilted lovers that they cannot sue their exes in court for gifts that that they receive during the course of their relationship, ie trips, jewelry, clothing and chicken dinners. Normal stuff in a relationship should be expected and reciprocated not exalted as if it’s some life changing act. People get some standards! See the post on “The Swoon Factor” for possible insight.
Keep in mind that in the pursuit of these standards you may be by yourself for quite some time. For me however, that’s okay because I like myself and I think that I am good company. Rather than join with someone for more of less, I’d rather just wait for the one with whom I can reciprocate a declaration of affection, tokens of appreciation, comfort, daily affirmation, hugs, kisses and yes a few chicken dinners. Any thing above that will just be welcomed extras. But at the very least I want someone who understands that these actions and behaviors are normal not extra ordinary and no cause to file a claim to sue for the return of chicken dinners.
After a 7 year bid in a long term relationship, several dating misadventures countless conversations with friends both male and female young and old, I’ve determined successful relationships hinge on “the swoon factor”: the feeling of being enraptured by your significant other.
It seems that in all relationships the object of your affection will one day at some point be a momentary pain in your butt, however the swoon factor will allow you to recover shortly after enduring the minor insult. The swoon factor is a genuine appreciation for that individual. It is having a great time with that person without any additional props or distractions. It is finding pleasure in each moment with that special someone. It is a holistic appreciation of that person with all of their imperfections recognizing that that their quirks and idiosyncrasies contribute to who they are as individuals.
The newness in relationships will fade and a routine will set in, but swoon will allow you to honor your partner and be pleasant when making small request such as “Will you please pick your clothes up?” . That same request with no swoon sounds like “Get your sh*t up off of the floor! I am so sick and tired of you you leaving your stuff around the house.”
We often overlook “swoon” in the name of prestigious job titles, shiny bling, hefty bank accounts , pretty faces, or prime body parts, but at the end of the day when those things fade “swoon” will persevere. I’m convinced that swoon will spur the growth of and/ or augment the appreciation of the aforementioned. It is the essential function of swoon to enhance that which we find most desirable and mitigate that which is less appealing. Swoon is sitting in your apartment with lights shut off and finding happiness and pleasure with that individual. It is genuinely liking the person.
To my mind love is the easy part, after all we love family members that we don’t necessarily like, but when you like someone, sincerely appreciate them, love is never too far behind. If you are not really sure and you need to decide what to look for in your next special someone or figure out why you are with your current special someone I would like to suggest: keep an eye out for the swoon factor. The mere presence of that individual bringing you joy, affirming your very being and thus enriching your life.
I recently told someone that a romantic relationship requires a lot of effort and compromise and at this very moment I have no desire to exert any additional effort or make any concessions. In the spirit of a true DivaMom, it really is all about me. This is not to be confused with being shallow or superficial it is essentially reclaiming my place in this universe by focusing on my needs and wants and making appropriate decisions based on that perspective. It requires me to be totally honest regarding who I am and who I wish to be. Within context of the aforementioned frame of consciousness I’ve decided that I will date myself; I am in a relationship with me ( I bought myself a dozen roses last week). I am observing my actions, motives while contemplating my personal short and long term goals and innermost desires. I’ve discovered I have a few areas upon which I would like to improve and an even more extensive list of objectives I wish to meet. Engaging in this introspection has made me keenly aware and thus skilled at identifying individuals and activities that will either inhibit or augment my current or future development.
Dating for me as it is now practiced is flawed in many ways. I’ve come to learn that you usually know whether you are interested in a person within the first five minutes and in most cases spending time with that person will not change your opinion. I’ve also discovered that in dating people tend to hide who they truly are or at the very least they are hesitant to express themselves openly or with candor. So at the moment, I have no interest in dating but I do wish to get to know people. When you are learning about a person there are no expectations, preset agendas or time lines; everything happens naturally and you will have the ability to observe the person’s good bad, and ugly. You will also be free to be who you are without being bound by conventional notions of how your relationship with that person should unfold.
It will take bit of time to get to know someone, but time spent learning about a person is time that you can avoid wasting on recovering from any myriad of negative outcomes from a seemingly good relationship gone bad. It is completely different from placing someone in the “friend zone” because you have not yet determined that this individual is a “friend”. In fact over time they will prove themselves to be your friend. In the process of learning about each other both parties can then decide if a romantic relationship is appropriate. Furthermore based on your interactions with each other your close friends and family will come to identify the two of you as “dating”. At some time in this process public acknowledgment will legitimize what has already taking place: the formation of a romantic relationship. Public acknowledgment is something as simple as a reference to your partner as your “girl friend” or “boy friend” without you responding with a comment to the contrary or an incredulous glance.
In my opinion dating is what you should do after you’ve committed romantically to the person. Dating is what should take place after you’ve adequately evaluated whether or not this person will help or hinder your progress (there is no in between, more on that later). At that point we should take special care to let that someone know how much they mean to us, send flowers (for guys too) and plan special outings. You’ve already seen their good, bad and ugly and at this point you have made a full assessment that they are deserving of these gestures.
Yes, I know the purpose of “dating” is to get to know people but doesn’t it just make the process much more complicated when we refer to it as dating? Maybe I am being a little naïve in really what amounts to my attempt to “rename” modern day courtship, but a DivaMom can hope, cant she? Being the eternal optimist, I am getting to know people and for me it’s a great alternative to dating.
W. Reid
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