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News flash: All men are NOT dogs. There are a lot of great men out there. If you haven’t found one perhaps you may want to consider adjusting your definition of greatness. All men are not ballers, shot callers, rappers or making six figure salaries. There is the man that works at UPS and values family. There is the single dad with a heart filled with love who has a 9 to 5 and struggles to make ends meet just like you, but he’s seeking the right partner with whom he can grow. There is the really nice gentleman who is the same height as you and may not be as toned as you would like, but he would value your heart, treat you well, get and use a gym membership if you asked nicely. There is the guy who you overlook because he’s a manager at McDonald’s and if you took time to say “Hello” and smile you would learn that he would treat you like the queen that you claim you are.
I am a bit sick and tired of the “All men are dogs”, mantra because that is just not possible and if you keep attracting dogs then perhaps you are the fire hydrant. Are you able to meet the standards that you have set for a potential mate or partner? Are you the best you can be? Are there areas within yourself that you can grow and heal emotionally and spiritually?
I know great men and great women but for some reason we fail to see the greatness in each other. I am not sure of what is going on and I am not sure of how to fix it but I know it’s not just the fault of “no good men”. We hear so much about these no good men that we forget about the good ones who do great things every single day.
Today I want to salute men for no particular reason at all, just for being them. Especially the ones of good character who KNOW within themselves that they are doing the BEST that they can to be good friends, husbands, lovers, fathers, workers, providers, protectors, brothers and boyfriends.
Today I just want to say no man bashing, “Let’s Hear it For the Boy”.
The media is having a field day with Tiger Woods. It seems we cant get enough of the fallout from his “transgressions.” Now mistresses are coming out of the wood work with recordings of his voice and claims that he is a “tiger” in bed. Some are stating that Tiger owes his fans an apology, the media a press conference and the police a statement. There are others who are taking issue with the fact that Tiger’s wife is a Sweedish blonde and his side chicks are all white women. My opinion, Tiger owes us nothing. Non-white women everywhere I am sure are thankful and rejoicing that he opted to exclude us from his Cassanova escapades. The person with whom he should be confessing and begging for forgivness is the woman who used one of his golf clubs to break the rear window of their Escalade. Which leads me to another point: If this woman was allegedly so angry from learning that he transgressed that she would strike him, then muster the the strength to break the rear windshield of their truck , imagine what it was like living with her! It couldn’t have been easy. The cynic in me also thinks Tiger probably thought he landed a tame woman and this Sweedish au pair proved a bit challenging to rangle.
Amidst all the chatter around the Tiger Woods fiasco I am most annoyed at his consistent choosing of women who are no where near as accomplished as he. He married a nanny, not the one with her own tv show, and when he strayed he selected “bar help” as his side chick(s). What does it say about a man who has a great deal of options because of his fame and fortune yet continues to choose women who are far less accomplished than he? Yes I am fully aware that one’s profession is not indicative of intelligence or personal character, but I firmly believe that in many cases it is a combination of talent, opportunity, performance and motivation. Even when he strays from his spouse he seems to target women that to my mind are shallow, opportunistic underperformers.
No, Tiger owes us nothing. The wrath he’s facing from his golf club weilding wife is sufficient penance. He’s great on the golf course but in seeking partners and side chicks he might want to consider stepping up his game.
Please take a look at this video:
I recently saw the video embedded in the link above. In my opionion. This person is speaking in “stereotype”. He is focusing on 1 type of psychology or mentality. I will however agree that this notion of the “STRONG independent BLACK Woman” is a bit overused and has to be revisited and reinterpreted.
Let’s face it some Black men see white women as a trophies, some actually want babies that are light skinned with “pretty hair” and that has nothing to do with how black women act. Whether or not they will admit it is another conversation.
The video prompted me to post on a topic I’ve often pondered: the power of the feminine or and or woman. Ultimately black women have to take responsibility for ourselves and perceived lack of power and one possible solution may be reclaiming some traditional values and the authority inherent within traditional rolls. This requires making choices that are aligned with personal values. For many that begins with simply identifying these values. Who want’s to give up being President of their own company to be President of the PTA? Is it possible to do both? What are our collective values? What do we think is important? Family or Fendi? Love or Louis? Joy or Jewely? Hope or Henny? Common goals/dreams or cash flow? Goal setting or gossip? Reality or reality tv?
For many the answers to these questions are not only a reflection of the so called “Black Community’ but of American society. Unfortunately as minorities we often feel the brunt of the negative consequences of these choices. I am curious what are your thoughts on this video? Is it accurate or asinine?
Many single men without children have indicated that they would rather not date single mothers, citing the fact that they “will never be number one” as one of many reasons. While such men are indeed entitled to their preferences and I applaud their candor in opting to thin their dating candidate pool with such a decision, I feel compelled to address this idea of the position of a romantic partner in the context of single mother hood.
The short answer is: You are indeed correct, you will never be number one as there is no competition. My children have a place in my life and my romantic partner has another. While the boundaries my conflate and at times (hopefully rarely) conflict these two spaces are separate yet of equal importance. Similar to the brain and the heart; one is not more or less important than the other, yet both serve very important functions. Ultimately there is no contest as the well being and care of both organs are vital to a healthy, holistic and balanced lifestyle.
I find a similar parallel exists with the role of the significant other and children. Both have different roles, needs and desires that must be respectively executed and addressed yet without one or the other life just isn’t the same. The role my children play in my life is incomparable to role of my life partner and vice versa. My sons will forever be my number one sons (it’s a tie) and the man that is right for me will be my number one man and he wont ever have to compete with anyone for that top spot.
I am dating Mr. Perfect. He is so fine. Each time I look at him I am amazed that he has chosen me to be his mate. His full lips part into a warm smile revealing beautiful pearly whites. He’s tall enough for me to wear my 3 inch heels and still find myself 1 inch shorter. He’s in great shape and when he wears his athletic T-shirts those toned arms and chiseled chest beckon me for a caress. I love his scent not his colonge but his natural smell without any artificial fragrance.
We NEVER argue about anything. We merely have disagreements and even those rare moments end with a declaration that we will “agree to disagree”. We have very open, honest and direct communication. While we dont always share a simlar point of view he respects my opinions right to one. In fact our relationship can be describe as a circle of reciprocity.
This man makes homeade chicken soup that he spoon feeds when I am not feeling well. He is bright and well read, never is he without witty conversation or interesting information on a topic of interest. I can take to him to events that require a tuexdo or chill around the way in sneakers and shorts. He fits in where ever we are, always with appropriate conversation to match.
My friends and family adore him, they see how he treats me and thinks he’s a wonderful man. He loves my sons often joking that that he could be their father. This only makes me smile. His mother loves me; she believes that I am an improvement over his past relationship. She thinks we are great together.
He’s a professsional with a great job and and second gig on the side as he believes in generating multiple revenue streams. I love his hustle. He plans dates and getaways making all necessary arrangments and all I have to do is show up. My man is remarkable support offering only kind words and a healthy critique. He has proven him self a faithful, loyal and commited friend in every sense often coming to my rescue time and time again. He is remarkably thoughtful repeatedly going above and beyond to ensure my satisfaction. He expresses almost daily how much he appreciates me and that he is thankful for my presence in his life. Never once has he disappointed me.
My baby picks up a broom, washes dishes and makes wonderful meals not because I ask but because he sees that it needs to be done. When his friends tease him that is he is pu$$y -whipped he replies “Maybe I am, so what? I’m happy! I AM HAPPY!”. He has no issues with me having my friends while he has his and he is all in favor of my “Ladies Nights’ with my girls. He is fully aware that other men find me visually appealing and views their advances as a compliment to him and his sense of taste. My honey plans for ahead and makes it clear that I am a part of his future. He respects me and I respect him. We are nice to each other just because we care for each other. I proud to call him my partner. Isn’t he perfect?
Then I woke up. Ladies and gentlemen, the ideal mate or partner is in our heads and respective imaginations. They say we have to give and take it’s really only a matter of deciding what you are willling to give and what you are willing to take. My description is an interpretation of what I want ideally but I know somwhere within “Mr. Right For Me” may not be Mr. Perfect. The beauty of having Mr. Perfect is that I can always visit him in my mind even after I do find “Mr. Right For Me”. What are 5 key attributes of your Mr. or Ms PERFECT?
I graduated with a degree in Women’s Studies from a pretty strong program. I don’t know if my degree influenced my thinking about men as much as I pursued my degree in an attempt to understand myself in relation to men. For some reason in conversations about gender I like to disclose that fact. After giving birth to two sons, I’ve developed a new level of respect for men in a way that I did not anticipate.
As funny as it may sound, I now see men as people who were once little boys not unlike my boys. My girlfriend believes my boys are God’s way of allowing me to experience the inherent difference between boys and girls which I at one point argued were naturally non existent and merely social constructs. These two boys taught me well. Boys and girls are inherently different. Men and women are different. That testosterone ain’t nothing to mess it. I must admit I now respect it greatly.
I once thought of men as insensitive creatures whose primary objective was to chase skirts and secure as many sexual conquests as time would allow. These beings were incapable of any real commitment and many had to be deceived and/ or dragged into any serious or committed relationships. My goal was always to maintain a certain distance from men so that even while I may have been in an intimate relationship I remained secretly casually aloof so as to never become fully entrenched to the extent that I could not execute a retreat.
After becoming a mother to one then two boys I intuitively knew that this was a relationship with babies, boys and someday men that I could or would never abandon. It was after giving birth and raising my two little ruffians, merchants of misfits, handsome browns and little gentlemen that I knew somewhere within that men had to be more than uncaring cassanovas.
In opening my mind to envision men as once boys I’ve learned to see men as sensitive, feeling, loving, intelligent, kind, thoughtful and caring. I’ve recently become privy to the fact that men can also love really hard and sometimes foolishly. I’ve also discovered that this love or desire will directly impact a man’s actions rendering him loyal and faithful to someone who has been dishonorable to him. I’ve come to know that men cry and mourn their losses. They mope and pine in an attempt to cope with and navigate their way through grief. Men value and desire commitment. Many want to get married sometimes rushing to the alter with a malicious and duplicitous bride. They can and do say no to sex and are successful in a conscious effort not to constantly sexualize women whom they find attractive. Men are nuturers , caring for their baby girls and boys and doing whatever is necessary to maintain a relationship with their offspring. They cook and bake and decorate. These are traits and behaviors that I once thought were exclusive to women and if exhibited by males were the exception rather than the rule.
Lately as I’ve grown older and hopefully wiser I’ve met and learned of men who possess these characteristics and I think it would be wonderful if my sons adopted some of these view points and traits. Thanks to my sons who were my first teachers on the greatness of men, I’ve acquired new level of respect for men honoring their difference, while accepting how much alike men and women truly are.
W. Reid
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