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News flash: All men are NOT dogs. There are a lot of great men out there. If you haven’t found one perhaps you may want to consider adjusting your definition of greatness. All men are not ballers, shot callers, rappers or making six figure salaries. There is the man that works at UPS and values family. There is the single dad with a heart filled with love who has a 9 to 5 and struggles to make ends meet just like you, but he’s seeking the right partner with whom he can grow. There is the really nice gentleman who is the same height as you and may not be as toned as you would like, but he would value your heart, treat you well, get and use a gym membership if you asked nicely. There is the guy who you overlook because he’s a manager at McDonald’s and if you took time to say “Hello” and smile you would learn that he would treat you like the queen that you claim you are.
I am a bit sick and tired of the “All men are dogs”, mantra because that is just not possible and if you keep attracting dogs then perhaps you are the fire hydrant. Are you able to meet the standards that you have set for a potential mate or partner? Are you the best you can be? Are there areas within yourself that you can grow and heal emotionally and spiritually?
I know great men and great women but for some reason we fail to see the greatness in each other. I am not sure of what is going on and I am not sure of how to fix it but I know it’s not just the fault of “no good men”. We hear so much about these no good men that we forget about the good ones who do great things every single day.
Today I want to salute men for no particular reason at all, just for being them. Especially the ones of good character who KNOW within themselves that they are doing the BEST that they can to be good friends, husbands, lovers, fathers, workers, providers, protectors, brothers and boyfriends.
Today I just want to say no man bashing, “Let’s Hear it For the Boy”.
The media is having a field day with Tiger Woods. It seems we cant get enough of the fallout from his “transgressions.” Now mistresses are coming out of the wood work with recordings of his voice and claims that he is a “tiger” in bed. Some are stating that Tiger owes his fans an apology, the media a press conference and the police a statement. There are others who are taking issue with the fact that Tiger’s wife is a Sweedish blonde and his side chicks are all white women. My opinion, Tiger owes us nothing. Non-white women everywhere I am sure are thankful and rejoicing that he opted to exclude us from his Cassanova escapades. The person with whom he should be confessing and begging for forgivness is the woman who used one of his golf clubs to break the rear window of their Escalade. Which leads me to another point: If this woman was allegedly so angry from learning that he transgressed that she would strike him, then muster the the strength to break the rear windshield of their truck , imagine what it was like living with her! It couldn’t have been easy. The cynic in me also thinks Tiger probably thought he landed a tame woman and this Sweedish au pair proved a bit challenging to rangle.
Amidst all the chatter around the Tiger Woods fiasco I am most annoyed at his consistent choosing of women who are no where near as accomplished as he. He married a nanny, not the one with her own tv show, and when he strayed he selected “bar help” as his side chick(s). What does it say about a man who has a great deal of options because of his fame and fortune yet continues to choose women who are far less accomplished than he? Yes I am fully aware that one’s profession is not indicative of intelligence or personal character, but I firmly believe that in many cases it is a combination of talent, opportunity, performance and motivation. Even when he strays from his spouse he seems to target women that to my mind are shallow, opportunistic underperformers.
No, Tiger owes us nothing. The wrath he’s facing from his golf club weilding wife is sufficient penance. He’s great on the golf course but in seeking partners and side chicks he might want to consider stepping up his game.
Please take a look at this video:
I recently saw the video embedded in the link above. In my opionion. This person is speaking in “stereotype”. He is focusing on 1 type of psychology or mentality. I will however agree that this notion of the “STRONG independent BLACK Woman” is a bit overused and has to be revisited and reinterpreted.
Let’s face it some Black men see white women as a trophies, some actually want babies that are light skinned with “pretty hair” and that has nothing to do with how black women act. Whether or not they will admit it is another conversation.
The video prompted me to post on a topic I’ve often pondered: the power of the feminine or and or woman. Ultimately black women have to take responsibility for ourselves and perceived lack of power and one possible solution may be reclaiming some traditional values and the authority inherent within traditional rolls. This requires making choices that are aligned with personal values. For many that begins with simply identifying these values. Who want’s to give up being President of their own company to be President of the PTA? Is it possible to do both? What are our collective values? What do we think is important? Family or Fendi? Love or Louis? Joy or Jewely? Hope or Henny? Common goals/dreams or cash flow? Goal setting or gossip? Reality or reality tv?
For many the answers to these questions are not only a reflection of the so called “Black Community’ but of American society. Unfortunately as minorities we often feel the brunt of the negative consequences of these choices. I am curious what are your thoughts on this video? Is it accurate or asinine?
Boomerang courtesy of aero.iitb.ac.in
My girlfriend and I both received correspondence from former beaus who essentially regretted the break up and in hindsight would have made us their wives (LOL). She attributed this to them growing older experiencing a taste of the world and sampling the abundance of women available only to discover that they let a good thing go. I could not agree more.
In my experience both lived and hearsay, I find that to be the case. If you are indeed good person and a good partner your ex will usually regret their departure. I say if he wants to leave let him go. Give him all the room he needs and he will use it to find his way back to you usually much more appreciative of what he let go. At which point you can decide to:
A) Marry him (as one of my cousins chose to do)
B) Thank him for the sentiment but remain friends (this one usually works for me and offers you the greatest flexibility and you can do option C on the inside).
C) Laugh in his face and say HELL to the NAW (Very juvenile while it may provide momentary satisfaction your ex may regret his boomerang behavior.)
If I were to impart any advice I would say don’t fret, let him go and leave him alone. If you were really that good, you’ll know because he’ll return for more of all that goodness.
With all of modern technology’s wonderful devices for communicating there is really no sufficient explanation for one’s failure to connect with an individual or person whom they deem important. I’ve come to learn that when a person tells you that they are “busy” it is essentially code for “too busy for you or what you may want at the moment.” This sentiment emerges in several spaces including the personal and professional . I had a boss tell me that she was “too busy” to schedule weekly meetings with me, yet she found time to summon me to her cubicle for multiple adhoc conversations that could have been coherently addressed with a weekly overview. During a recent conversation, a young man expressed to me that women want successful men, but when a man is busy pursuing that success and as a result may have less time for a romanctic relationship the woman gets upset.
Folks, I have two sons under the age of 8 and I do other stuff including a full time job and I am pretty busy, however when I deem something urgent or pressing, I make time. Similarly, when any type of relationship (frienship, business, professional) is evolving or developing it is prudent for genuinely interested parties to make time. Yes, I understand that time will not always mean copious emails, long conversations, extensive meetings weekend get- togethers or romanctic dinners . Sometimes it’s a quick text to say : “It’s hectic today, I’ll touch base when I have a moment.” Or perhaps it’s a mini meeting to ensure everyone is on the same page. Or maybe a 15 minute conference call to tie up loose ends.
During the moments when life calls you in multiple directions it can be difficult to juggle and prioritize, however with a bit of consideration and forethought it’s possible to give energy to that which we find vital or compelling. In those moments quality is desirable over quantity and ultimately there is no room for such statements as “too busy”.
It's Carnival time Again.....
My boys, our cousin and I took a road trip. We traveled 500 miles up north to visit family in Ontario, Canada . We made it safe and sound after a couple of chicken wing breaks, a twenty minute down pour on interstate 81, a power nap, a probe of our car and it’s contents by Canadian customs euphemized as an “IDconfirmation” and a stop at Niagara Falls (the Canadian side). Like many West Indians I have family flung around the globe primarily in the countries of Jamaica, United States, Canada and England. As my sons get older I am begining to acknowledge the importance of maintaining the connections that are preordained by DNA. As result I’ve resume the yearly pilgrimage begun by my parents when I was a child.
Only at Caribana
Caribana an annual parade that celebrates the West Indian spirit of revelry offers an exciting backdrop for a DivaMom and Sons (and cousin) adventure. Our excursion provided what adventures normally do: a sense of accomplishment, exposure to sights and sounds that are not readily available in your comfort zone and an opportunity to reconnect with people, places and self. My boys had a ball proclaiming they wanted to move to Canada. I felt like a champ first pulling into my cousin’s drive way and then into my complex. I was so proud of me. The road trip was rejuvenating enabling me to reconnect with my inner divamom. Upon our return when my 5 year old son whined because he did not have his t-shirt for camp I immediately responded: ” I just drove 1,000 miles to and from Canada, boy I didn’t get a chance to wash your shirt. I dont deserve that from you”. He obviously agreed because his usually persistent little butt shut right up.
Some people walk in the rain. Others just get wet.
~ Roger Miller
I recently found my self caught in the path of torrential rain clouds, yet my spirits were high as I found refuge in a gourmet shop, then beneath a bright yellow umbrella, then in a bank lobby, then a cab and ultimately a cute little spot for drinks, but throughout it all I had the good fortune of being in very good company. My hair was a little puffier but my clothes were warm and dry. I was reminded of a few lessons that day but the greatest was that even in the midst of a storm the pleasures of life are often found in the simple things. While the skies may thunder pouring rain, comfort, joy and satisfaction are forever present in how we choose to navigate the tempest and a great companion is one with whom we can openly share every stage of the experience. Having good company makes it a stop, walk, run or ride in the rain rather than just getting wet. Thanks MR 
There are no neutral people in your life. I think I first heard that statement from the Michael Basiden show . He or his guest expounded, “People are either hurting or helping you. There is no in- between.” As I get older I couldn’t agree more. When we examine our relationships using this very definitive standard we discover quickly how few people are present solely to promote our personal progress.
If we assessed our affiliations in the context of whether or not they added value to our lives many of us would find ourselves with a handful of people who enhance rather than hinder our personal growth . We are so entrenched in dysfunctional activities and relationships whose sole function is to detract value, yet we fail to sever ties as we are bound by a sense of duty , obligation or necessity.
I’ve heard responses to this idea including that relationships are a give and take, people (including yours truly) have flaws and there are no gray areas. Yet I can’t help but to stand by this very absolute standard. Within the ebb and flow of all of your relationship you must ask: “Is this person helping or hurting me?” Once you truthfully answer, the gray areas will become plainly black or white.
I am not suggesting that you eliminate those you deem a hinderance because quite frankly for many of us our connection to these individuals may be unbreakable. What I would like to offer is that we better prioritize how much attention and energy we give people based on their ability to “add value” to our lives. By giving more of our energies to those individuals who add value and rationing our resources to those who do not, I am confident that the inhibitors of your progress will slowly eliminate themselves or at the very least minimize their level of interaction with you.
Many single men without children have indicated that they would rather not date single mothers, citing the fact that they “will never be number one” as one of many reasons. While such men are indeed entitled to their preferences and I applaud their candor in opting to thin their dating candidate pool with such a decision, I feel compelled to address this idea of the position of a romantic partner in the context of single mother hood.
The short answer is: You are indeed correct, you will never be number one as there is no competition. My children have a place in my life and my romantic partner has another. While the boundaries my conflate and at times (hopefully rarely) conflict these two spaces are separate yet of equal importance. Similar to the brain and the heart; one is not more or less important than the other, yet both serve very important functions. Ultimately there is no contest as the well being and care of both organs are vital to a healthy, holistic and balanced lifestyle.
I find a similar parallel exists with the role of the significant other and children. Both have different roles, needs and desires that must be respectively executed and addressed yet without one or the other life just isn’t the same. The role my children play in my life is incomparable to role of my life partner and vice versa. My sons will forever be my number one sons (it’s a tie) and the man that is right for me will be my number one man and he wont ever have to compete with anyone for that top spot.
My girlfriend recently commented that she finds it funny when men who stay with women who are no good for them cite, “She’s been there for me”. Although this form of loyalty sounds admirable, upon further interrogation the devotion these men tout as evidence of their partner’s love and affection are typical acts that should occur in any normal relationship.
Your partner declaring to the world that you are the object of their affection, rubbing your back while handing you tissue to dry your tears, making you a nice meal, wishing you a wonderful day, offering hugs and kisses just because, surprising you with gifts, is to me the basic foundations of any healthy relationship. It seems to me that we (both men and women) have been experiencing such a dearth in these forms of expression that we will gladly accept mediocre treatment as proof of love and devotion.
When relationships end the individuals involve (usually those hurt) often attempt to quantify and/or measure all that they have given (tangible and intangible) and determine a way to retrieve their contributions. Judge Judy has a reputation for admonishing jilted lovers that they cannot sue their exes in court for gifts that that they receive during the course of their relationship, ie trips, jewelry, clothing and chicken dinners. Normal stuff in a relationship should be expected and reciprocated not exalted as if it’s some life changing act. People get some standards! See the post on “The Swoon Factor” for possible insight.
Keep in mind that in the pursuit of these standards you may be by yourself for quite some time. For me however, that’s okay because I like myself and I think that I am good company. Rather than join with someone for more of less, I’d rather just wait for the one with whom I can reciprocate a declaration of affection, tokens of appreciation, comfort, daily affirmation, hugs, kisses and yes a few chicken dinners. Any thing above that will just be welcomed extras. But at the very least I want someone who understands that these actions and behaviors are normal not extra ordinary and no cause to file a claim to sue for the return of chicken dinners.
W. Reid
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