Many of you  may recognize this quote from the text  “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie, a classic that is  over 70 years old, but one that I begun to read for the very first time  this past weekend.   Carnegie  forewarns, “you will probably find it difficult to apply these suggestions all the time.         I know because I wrote the book, and yet frequently I found it difficult to apply everything I advocate.”.  His first principle is “Don’t criticize, condemn or complain”.  Yikes, this is so difficult for me and this is only the first principle.    He encourages the reader to do as Ben Franklin stated,  “[s]peak ill of no man and speak all the good [you] know of everybody.”    Chapter 1 focuses on how criticizing people only  causes them to defend their actions and it  encourages us to be understanding and try to see things from their point of view.  EVERYONE with whom we wish to have a working relationship  is worthy of this perspective: partners, lovers, spouses co workers, managers/bosses, children, exes, family members, customer service representatives and the like.

Thus far this book  has revealed to me the  how much I have spent emphasizing  what I do not like about others and it has exposed the  challenge I have of focusing on what I do like about them.   Challenge is an understatement.   There are some people I would rather not think about at all because I can’t find any good in them, yet I know that this not their failure but mine and I am the fool.  So what’s a DivaMom to do, some more work internally because  someone once said to me “That which you find fault in others take care to correct in your self.”   So ultimately my  inability to find the good in another person is less about them and more about be.  I want to  be a person of good character and understanding not the fool who criticizes, condemns and complains. I am going to keep reading and let you know if I gather any additional tips or insight, but in the meantime, who has read the book and what are your thoughts?

 Alas, I’ve learned to see the beauty in that  arrangement.  I’ve  since decide that an official marriage would be a great thing for specifically the reason I once feared.  Another friend deemed my aversion to marriage a result of my fierce sense of independence. Pretty much, I don’t like or want anyone telling me sh*t.  In this life we all need someone, too much indepence will find you always independent and that usually means alone ( I like company, other wise I have no one to eat my cooking). I’ve learned it’s best to partner with those whom we have similar values and goals. My shacking was a trial run, this time when I go official I’ll make sure my partner and I are on the same page when it comes to these crucial areas.  Now that I’ve declared to the universe that I am ready for wedded bliss, where the heck do I find a husband?

News flash:  All men are NOT dogs.  There are a lot of great men out there.  If you haven’t found one perhaps you may want to consider adjusting your definition of greatness.  All men are not ballers, shot callers, rappers or making six figure salaries.  There is the man that works at UPS and  values  family.  There is the single dad with a heart filled with love who has a  9 to 5 and struggles to make ends meet just like you, but he’s seeking the right partner with whom he can grow.  There is the really nice gentleman  who is the same height as you and may not be as toned as you would like, but he would value your heart, treat you well, get and use a gym membership if you asked nicely.   There is the guy who you overlook because he’s a manager at McDonald’s and if you took time to say “Hello” and smile you would  learn that he  would  treat you like the queen that you claim you are.

I am a bit sick and tired of the “All men are dogs”,  mantra because that is just not possible and if you keep attracting dogs then perhaps you are the fire hydrant.   Are you able to meet the standards that you have set for  a potential mate or partner?  Are you the best you can be?  Are there areas within yourself that you can grow and heal emotionally and spiritually?

I know great men and great women but for some reason we fail to see the greatness in each other.   I am not sure  of what is going on and I am not sure of how to fix it but  I know it’s not just the fault of  “no good men”.   We hear so much about these no good men that we forget about the good ones  who do great things every single  day.

Today I want to salute  men for no particular reason at all, just for being them.  Especially the ones of good character  who KNOW within themselves that they are doing the BEST that they can  to be good friends, husbands, lovers, fathers, workers, providers, protectors, brothers and boyfriends.  

Today I just want to say no man bashing,   “Let’s Hear it For the Boy”.

No, Tiger owes us nothing.  The wrath he’s facing from his golf  club weilding wife is sufficient penance.  He’s great on the golf course but in seeking partners and side chicks he might want to consider stepping up his game.

I recently saw the video embedded in the link above. In my opionion. This person is speaking in “stereotype”.  He is focusing on 1 type of psychology or mentality. I will however agree that this notion of the “STRONG independent BLACK Woman” is a bit overused and has to be revisited and reinterpreted.

Let’s face it some Black men see white women as a trophies, some actually want babies that are light skinned with “pretty hair” and that has nothing to do with how black women act. Whether or not they will admit it is another conversation.

The video prompted me to post on a topic I’ve often pondered: the power of the feminine or and or woman. Ultimately black women have to take responsibility for ourselves and perceived lack of power and one possible solution may be reclaiming some traditional values and the authority inherent within traditional rolls. This requires making choices that are aligned with personal values. For many that begins with simply identifying these values. Who want’s to give up being President of their own company to be President of the PTA? Is it possible to do both? What are our collective values? What do we think is important? Family or Fendi?  Love or Louis? Joy or Jewely? Hope or Henny? Common goals/dreams or cash flow? Goal setting or gossip? Reality or reality tv? 

For many  the answers to these questions are not only a reflection of the so called “Black Community’ but of American society.  Unfortunately as minorities we often feel the brunt  of the negative consequences of these choices.   I am curious what are your thoughts on this video? Is it accurate or asinine?

Boomerang courtesy of aero.iitb.ac.in

My girlfriend and I both received correspondence from former beaus who essentially regretted the break up and in  hindsight would have made us their wives (LOL). She attributed this to them growing older experiencing a taste of the world and sampling the abundance of women available only to discover that they let a good thing go. I could not agree more.

In my experience both lived and hearsay, I find that to be the case. If you are indeed good person and a good partner your ex will usually regret their departure. I say if he wants to leave let him go. Give him all the room he needs and he will use it to find his way back to you usually much more appreciative of what he let go. At which point you can decide to:

A) Marry him (as one of my cousins chose to do)

B) Thank him for the sentiment but remain friends (this one usually works for me and offers you the greatest flexibility and you can do option C on the inside).

C) Laugh in his face and say HELL to the NAW (Very juvenile while it may provide momentary satisfaction your ex may regret his boomerang behavior.)

If I were to impart any advice I would say don’t fret, let him go and leave him alone. If you were really that good, you’ll know because he’ll return for more of all that goodness.

Folks, I have two sons under the age of 8  and I do other stuff  including a full time job and I am pretty busy, however when I deem something urgent or pressing, I make time.  Similarly, when any type of  relationship (frienship, business, professional) is evolving  or developing it is prudent for  genuinely interested parties to make time.  Yes, I understand that time will not always mean  copious emails, long conversations, extensive meetings weekend get- togethers or romanctic dinners .  Sometimes it’s a quick text to say : “It’s hectic today, I’ll touch base when I have a moment.”  Or perhaps it’s a mini meeting to ensure everyone is on the same page.  Or maybe  a 15 minute conference call to tie up loose ends.  

During the moments when life calls you in multiple directions it can be difficult to juggle and  prioritize, however with a bit of consideration and forethought it’s possible to give energy to that which we find vital or compelling.  In those moments quality  is desirable over quantity and ultimately there is no room for such statements as “too busy”.

It's Carnival time Again.....

My boys, our cousin and I took a road trip.  We traveled  500 miles up north to visit family in  Ontario, Canada .  We made it safe and sound after a couple of chicken wing breaks, a twenty minute down pour on interstate 81, a power nap,  a  probe of our car and it’s contents by Canadian customs  euphemized as an “IDconfirmation”  and a stop at Niagara Falls  (the Canadian side).   Like many West Indians I have family flung around the globe primarily in the countries of Jamaica, United States, Canada and England.  As my sons get older I am begining to acknowledge the importance of maintaining the connections that are preordained by DNA.  As result I’ve resume the yearly pilgrimage begun by my parents when I was a child.

Only at Caribana

Caribana an annual parade that celebrates the West Indian spirit  of revelry offers an exciting backdrop  for a DivaMom and Sons (and cousin) adventure.   Our excursion provided what adventures normally do: a sense of accomplishment, exposure to sights and sounds that are not readily available in your comfort  zone and an opportunity to reconnect with people, places and self.    My  boys had a ball  proclaiming they  wanted to move to Canada.  I felt like a champ first pulling into my cousin’s drive way and then into my complex.   I was so proud of me.     The road trip was rejuvenating enabling me to reconnect with my inner divamom.  Upon our return when my 5 year old son whined because he did not have his t-shirt for camp I immediately responded:  ” I just drove 1,000 miles to and from Canada, boy I didn’t get a chance to wash your shirt. I dont deserve that from you”.    He obviously agreed because his usually persistent little butt shut right up.

~ Roger Miller

I recently found my self caught in the path of torrential rain clouds, yet my spirits were high as I found refuge in a gourmet shop, then beneath a bright yellow umbrella, then in a bank lobby, then a cab and ultimately a cute little spot for drinks, but throughout it all I had the good fortune of being in very good company. My hair was a little puffier but my clothes were warm and dry. I was reminded of a few lessons that day but the greatest was that even in the midst of a storm the pleasures of life are often found in the simple things. While the skies may thunder pouring rain, comfort, joy and satisfaction are forever present in how we choose to navigate the tempest and a great companion is one with whom we can openly share every stage of  the experience. Having good company makes it a stop, walk, run or ride in the rain rather than just getting wet.  Thanks MR

If we assessed our affiliations in the context of whether or not they added value to our lives many of us would find ourselves with a handful of people who enhance rather than hinder our personal growth . We are so entrenched in dysfunctional activities and relationships whose sole function is to detract value, yet we fail to sever ties as we are bound by a sense of duty , obligation or necessity.

I’ve heard responses to this idea including that relationships are a give and take, people (including yours truly) have flaws and there are no gray areas. Yet I can’t help but to stand by this very absolute standard. Within the ebb and flow of all of your relationship you must ask: “Is this person helping or hurting me?” Once you truthfully answer, the gray areas will become plainly black or white.

I am not suggesting that you eliminate those you deem a hinderance because quite frankly for many of us our connection to these individuals may be unbreakable. What I would like to offer is that we better prioritize how much attention and energy we give people based on their ability to “add value” to our lives. By giving more of our energies to those individuals who add value and rationing our resources to those who do not, I am confident that the inhibitors of your progress will slowly eliminate themselves or at the very least minimize their level of interaction with you.